Nothing is worse than meaning nothing
As I aimlessly pushed a stroller about the streets for hours, I realized my life as I previously knew it, had somehow escaped me. Some things changed for the better, like having a beautiful and loving wife and son. But what of my past loves? My hobby of triathlon which I was so passionate about? My career I worked so hard to set in motion? And what of my friends, who understood me so well? Unfortunately, they were all gone.
A few years earlier I tried Tinder, a dating app which some of you may think of as having only promiscuous intentions. However it seems you can seek what you desire on the app, and I wanted a relationship. In just a week I had found my person. Effective! But she also happened to be in the Army and you likely know how that goes.
We prioritized her career, moved to the middle of nowhere, and had a baby. Then a pandemic hit and forced me to isolate with no one to talk to, spare baby babbles throughout the day and my wife in the few moments she wasn’t working at the base hospital. I was no longer all the things I had been, the things that made me me. I felt lost, hollow.
In being so disconnected from friends and family, the worst part of it all was feeling like I didn’t exist. Like I could disappear and no one would notice.
Everything about friendship is complicated
Of course the pandemic brunts much of the blame; people everywhere were dreadfully lonely. But in that time I realized just how challenging it is to have meaningful, personal relationships for many reasons unrelated to the pandemic. More and more I focused on and analyzed these obscure barriers to friendship in adulthood, from my perspective as a military spouse.
I’ve now spent two years immersed in friendship sociology, as I’ll label my unofficial self-study in the form of reflection, observation, and conversations. I could write for days about the things I’ve learned, but here I’ll summarize:
Friendships are hard to start, break past the casual acquaintance phase, and keep.
Many people are aware of this, but don’t often see or think about why having friends is so challenging. As I write about the particular reasons in other articles, I’ll link them here.
Having no one
“I am so stressed and don’t know what to do. I’m in this terrible situation and here’s all the draw dropping emotional details you’d only expect to hear if we were very close friends, but I don’t even know you. This is a Facebook post.”
Does that ring your memory of many posts you’ve seen in military spouse groups? Serious dilemmas being shared… to Facebook, giving everyone the experience of what it’s like to be a psychologist listening to strangers vent all their life’s turmoil.
If you’re like me, you wonder, why are people sharing so much on Facebook?
But the answer is clear, even written into many of the posts. “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
They are alone, disconnected. Perhaps they have some friends and family but they aren’t able to reach out and discuss these things that weigh them down so heavily. Short of seeking professional help, Facebook is the only option they know.
Having someone
Imagine if we all had at least ONE friend. And not social media friends to browse and like each other’s pictures. Not your neighbor with whom you simply exchange pleasantries. But someone who knows you, sees you, and accepts you. Someone you talk to about the inner churnings of your mind, your private fears and secret ambitions. Someone to delve into the community with you, to try new things and meet new people all while having the security of a friend by your side.
Having just one friend lets us express ourselves and be understood, preventing thoughts and feelings from swirling into insanity. Knowing that someone will acknowledge our efforts and frustrations in the times that we attempt something and fail, gives us the courage to take on each new day. Alone, we crumble. But it only takes one friend to change our mindset and start experiencing the world in a more positive light.
This is why Military Social Network focuses on individual, personal connections.
We know that by facilitating social interactions that help people find others with great friendship chemistry, they are no longer alone and are enabled to take on the world.
With friendship being so complicated and having many obscure barriers, this isn’t an easy task. We take an experimental approach, and continue to try new ways to better help people establish meaningful, personal connections.
Mission
To benefit the military community by facilitating meaningful social interaction with a focus on individual connections.
Author
Matthew Shanks
Founder, Military Social Network
